Sweet Nothing
I told the man I love
that I love him. Seems like a great
thing doesn’t it, well no its not that simple.
I thought the day id love again would never come or it would be in
traditional sequential steps you, and id be in a different place, for the most
part I feel torn, that this happened.
Not that I regret him one bit…but under these circumstances it almost
feels unfair. I’m not sure who to turn
to or ask if its going to be okay or even if I should wait, I’ve been getting
closer more than ever with my parents and for the first time in a long time I
went to church with them. I thought
maybe I could reach out to that greater power, I’m desperate I don’t know what
to do.
Well not much has happened but happy to know I have some
peace with myself I’m not going completely crazy like I thought this would go
down.
So maybe I should tell you why I told him
or how did I come to the conclusion that I, could be in love….
I haven’t felt this in a few years now; I actually thought
it couldn’t happen, especially with a person that is available part time for
me. How can that be…
The independence and freedom I have attained is phenomenal I
love it, but this itself made me realize that anywhere I am, any man I
encounter, hot, funny, tall, muscular, successful, you name it …he is always on
my mind. The opportunity comes and the
encounters are present but that doesn’t matter to me, I don’t want it I don’t
want any of it…I know all along that all I want is that man. The distance doesn’t make one difference.
I didn’t want to tell him and never did I think I needed to,
but when I finally decided it would be over between him & I, I just told him, because in that moment I felt like I was hurting him… I felt
he didn’t understand why I wanted him to leave me alone, not because I didn’t
care but because I did l… I felt I was suffering too much and this love wasn’t
worth the pain.
These feelings or thoughts can’t really be exposed out in
the open, the attraction and the feelings I have for him are effortless; I want
him as my lover and my best friend.
But
that is all impossible. All I can’t do
now Is try to move on… I am cheating on my future with my past.
